Adventures of an Unemployed Youth, pt. 1
Well, not really the beginning. I’ve been home for a month now, unsuccessfully trying to find a job. Perhaps I haven’t found anything because I don’t have a good idea of what I want to do. Perhaps it’s because I succumb easily to the malaise of internet surfing and microwave meals. But something good is around the bend. I hope. If not, there are other options:
Professional Survey-taker. Focus-group organizations need your input, and the pay isn’t bad if you have low standards of living. The only hard part of the job, which isn’t very hard, is figuring out how to get invited to one of their surveys. Some sites post openings on their own pages or on Craigslist, while with others you can sign up to be notified via email about openings. Once you find a survey, you need to answer an introductory questionairre before the company will invite you to the survey. You do this by lying. Lots and lots of lying. You need to present yourself as the ideal candidate for their survey, and most of the time it’s easy enough to tell what kind of person they’re looking for from the questions alone. Just like you could intuit the answer to a multiple choice question in middle school, you can intuit what they want to hear. Question: Do you have a smartphone? Wrong answer: Hell no, I don’t have a job, where would I get the money for a smartphone when I have to pay bills? Right answer: Yes I do. Question: Do you frequently order groceries online? Wrong answer: I shop at 7-11, where I can get food in my three main food groups, cheesey, beany, and meaty. Right answer: Occasionally. Repeat this process, go to their location and spout your opinion, and rake in your cash. It’s not even taxable. And make sure to use aliases and say that you haven’t completed a survey in a long time, if ever.
Sign-spinner. It’s a dangerous art, filled with bruised necks, stubbed toes and bloody fingers. It gets hot in the summer sun, standing on the corner of strip-mall and 76 gas station. Some days, you forget your iPod. But for those dedicated few, those willing to go all the way, those who have what it takes to be a champion, sign spinning is the job. Not everyone can be a human billboard anymore. The spinning sign has made the days of shoulder-harnessed sign and hot-dog costume obsolete. Businesses demand more of their human billboards, and with lower attention spans across the nation, you need to be damn flashy to make it in this cut-throat industry. It takes talent, finesse, and a whole lot of passion to learn to flip a “Low Interest Home Loan” sign in a double-back vertical 1080 around your body. Think it was tough to learn all those tricks on your skateboard? It’s even tougher to do it with your hands.
Street-corner Fruit Vendor. I don’t know where they get their fruit. I don’t know what if any thought process there is behind their choice of locations. I don’t know how they make a profit. I don’t know if they’re selling drugs or not. But they’re out there every day, in the strangest places.
Unprofessional Mover, or Professional Buddy. People post on craigslist that they need help moving, but they don’t want to hire a moving company to do it. They post about couches, dish washers, televisions, refrigerators, blood-soaked carpets – you name it, they’re moving it. Apparently these people don’t have any friends who they can ask to help them move, so you need to give them a hand with your truck and ability to lift ~100 lbs. It’s for a nominal fee, of course, but you can still pretend to be their real-life buddy. With a well-planned route and a kind demeanor you’ll be rolling in profit in no time. Who knows, they may even start paying you to come over and watch the game, or play some pool, or talk about their most recent failed attempt at a date with someone from the office.
Baby-sitting. It’s not just for teenagers anymore. Look clean when you show up at the door, make sure the kids eat their dinners and do their homework, and keep them away from the porn channels on TV. Easy money. It’s best to post your availability at schools for children of affluent families. Stepping it up to live-in nanny is an option if the pay is good enough and the house is sweet enough. Don’t settle for anything less than a 40” TV, a pool, and a hot tub. Chandeliers are how you know the family is right for you.
Delivery Alcohol Service. This is my own private enterprise which I’m developing. I won’t explain the details here (yet), but I must say it’s a great concept. It keeps the party going and keeps drunk drivers off the streets! If you know any investors or venture capitalists, send them my way.