When I Run For Elected Office
When I run for elected office, I’m not going to bullshit. That’ll be my campaign slogan: “No Bullshit.” In certain areas, I’ll make the slogan “No Horseshit.” The mothers of the precious children will denounce my potty-mouth and I’ll denounce their lies and hypocrisies. The FCC will tell me I’m obscene and I’ll tell them they’re defamers of the human spirit. Children need to know what a swear word is. Children need to know the correct usage of a swear word. Hyperbolic speech, towards the profane or white-washed, destroys the functioning of human language. When I say “No Bullshit” I mean “No Bullshit.” It is the most elegant and accurate way to communicate my platform.
When I run for elected office, I’m not going to lie about things I’ve done in the past. If that means admitting that I broke the law, I will cross my fingers that the statute of limitations is in effect for whatever it is I admit that I did. But I’m not going to dance around my actions. I’m going to let the people know about why I did things in the past if they want to know why I did those things. If they don’t, I’m not going to waste their time trumping myself up in front of them. If they do, then I’ll tell them the truth and my reasons for doing it. If they don’t want me after hearing my reasons, it’s their loss. When I run for elected office, I hope I won’t be doing so out of a jail cell.
When I run for elected office, I’m not going to pretend to be Country Joe or Johnny Common Man. Johnny Common Man can best help out his country by staying the common man, working his 9 to 5 job at the factory, being there for his family and kids, helping the economy and his community however he can. Johnny Common Man is how this country works. When Johnny Common Man goes to Washington, he injures the country both by removing himself from where he is needed most and by throwing himself into an environment in which his skills do not belong. Johnny Common Man is not a legislator. Johnny Common Man has concerns, and his concerns must be addressed for the government to be a government of the people, but his concerns should be addressed to the legislature. He should not, with his concerns, make himself a member of the legislature. His role is to be concerned for the well-being of his community, not the good governance of the entire country. If he is equipped to be a contributing member of the federal legislature, then he is not truly a Johnny Common Man. I am not Johnny Common Man, I was not born Johnny Common Man and I will never be Johnny Common Man. That life doesn’t work for me. That doesn’t mean I think there’s anything ignoble or lesser about it – on the contrary, I will be running for elected office to protect Johnny Common Man’s way of life however I can because I think it is noble for Johnny Common Man to fulfill his virtue. I must also fulfill my virtue as someone other than a Johnny Common Man. I am different. Not better, not worse, just different. Out of respect for Johnny Common Man, I will never pretend to be him.
When I run for elected office, I will visit all parts of my constituency. I will already be well versed in their concerns and what I think should be concerning to them, but just to double-check I’ll come and see what’s up with them. I will be travelling for the entirety of the race as long as I physically can. My travel plans will be posted on my website. I will not do PR photo shoots.
When I run for elected office, I’m going to advertise my candidacy by posting videos on the internet that I make with a laptop webcam. The videos will feature me discussing something personally important and relevant to my candidacy. I will film these in my hotel for whatever part of my potential constituency I will be visiting at that point in the race. I will not have billboards, I will not have television spots, I will not send out unwarranted emails, I will not send out phony “thank you for your donation” letters with a picture of myself on the front. I will have printable poster and bumper sticker templates on my website for anyone who wants to make them themselves. They will say either “No Bullshit” and “I Support Paul’s Candidacy for This Elected Office.” I will make the template myself but will not distribute pre-made bumper stickers or posters. I don’t convince people to vote for me with a good advertising campaign. I convince people to vote for me by speaking to them.
When I run for elected office, I will probably not have many staff members, but all campaign donations will go towards their salaries, the upkeep of my web server, and the hotel rooms where I’m staying. All receipts will be viewable on my web site. I will eat McDonalds and Taco Bell every day because it will have quit my job to travel everywhere and I won’t have much money left probably.
When I run for elected office, I will play golf with special interest groups and thank them for the wonderful day but inform them that their opinions for public policy run counter to the well-being of the public and so I will never implement any of their ideas, unless I think that they have a good and beneficial idea in which case I’ll help to execute it. I’m mostly looking forward to thumbing my nose at oil barons after hitting little white balls with them.
When I run for elected office, I will probably be beaten by my opponent who will do the opposite of everything I’ve listed above.
When I run for elected office, I’ll probably get assassinated if anyone thinks I’m worth the effort.