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An Open Letter to the Federal Reserve

August 12, 2010

To whom it may concern:

If you are concerned about the state of the economy, which I know you make-money-out-of-money boys are, I have a proposition for you.  Give me all the funds you think will be necessary to jump start the fly-wheels of fortune, and I promise I’ll spend at least 85% of it within the next two months.

That’s a hell of a lot better deal than passing out stimulus money to people who are going to sit on their checks because their neighbors are losing or out of jobs and they don’t if they’ll be on the chopping block next.  So many of the people who are getting your stimulus money need to save it.  They were out spending money they didn’t have before, and now they can’t afford to buy what would’ve been reasonable because of the huge whole they’ve dug themselves into.  Going out to spend that money is like jumping off a cliff for them.  Or, the people who are getting the stimulus money have always been poor, so they really don’t deserve that money!  (Those dirty freeloaders living off the socialist welfare state, am I right?)

I, on the other hand, am currently living with my parents.  I have very few living expenses so I don’t need to be saving.  I have a steady part-time job which may or may not provide enough for me to live on my own, but I can go out and buy (or rent, whichever would be better for your schemes!) a small house.  I can spend without discretion.  I can spend a lot.  I have no where to go but up, and with my ability and desire to spend money I can get things back to the way they were before people realized that they can’t buy things with imaginary money.

I’m making this offer to you because I have a dream – I dream of a better tomorrow, where the rich get richer off the flow of the economy through the hands of the stupid middle class and the trodden-on lower class.  I dream of a land where we have monopolized access to best health care money can buy, to be purchased by the mortal sweat of a working stiff or two snaps of a rich man’s fingers.  I dream of a world where my ponderous vehicle spews disease and pestilence through the neighborhoods of the needy, secreting the smell of strength, a smell made of pure, 100% Alaskan Polar Bear Oil.  I dream of cookie-cutter stucco suburbs coating the countryside in uniformity.  I dream of a television in every room of every building in this great United States, playing MTV and Disney for all.  I dream of the curtailing of innovation by the profitability of sloth and distraction.  I dream of CEO’s popping champagne all over them ho’s.  I dream of a world where we hunt poor people for sport.  In short, my dream is nothing less than a paradise of public domination.  We will suckle on the fat tit of democracy, that gorgeous double-D tit we’ve enhanced with rBST and silicon implants.  With the way things are going, people might start wising up and becoming fiscally responsible instead of giving their money away to the guys on top.  They could start buying locally produced goods, decreasing extravagant spending, working for a peaceful and sustainable world for their children instead of focusing on or being unable to escape from the diverting and cheap world we’ve set out for them.  I know you don’t want that to happen, I know you want things to go back to how they were going before the system inevitably failed!  I can make sure things keep trickling up for you all, don’t you worry!

My only condition is that you to take me along with you when we decide who gets to be rich and who gets to be poor and die.  It’s not much to ask for, is it?  So please, if you can send all that stimulus money to me I think it’d work out best for all of us.

Thanks for your consideration,


PS I also have videos of all your daughters doing terrible, sexy things.  I don’t mean for you to construe this as blackmail but I figured it’d be good to let you know.  Don’t let it influence your decision-making process in any way.

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