The Tea Party is Stupid
If I were going to have a political party, I would call it the Coffee Party to show how weak-sauce the Tea Party and its corporate money-scheming leaders and its sheep-like incensed followers are. The Coffee Party would be all about good government for the people and by the people, not government for the rich sponsored by the poor. We’re about drinking coffee and getting down to the business of fixing government and protecting the people. Coffee is the working man’s drink. Coffee is the drink that realizes we need to work together to build a better future. If we don’t drink coffee together, we may as well be shooting each other with the biggest guns we can find. That’s really all the leaders of the Tea Party want – the ability to screw over as many people as they want so that they can continue to live in luxury and drink tea. Should people be fiscally responsible? Yes. Should people take on that responsibility by enabling a predatory market that will destroy their health, wealth, and happiness? No. The free market is a fine idea if the people involved in it are not going to act against any of the consumer protections that our current market is founded on (and we could definitely use some better ones). However, it’s not profitable to do that. With profitability as the primal motivation of the free market, concern for one’s fellow man goes down the drain as fast as the quality of production. The Coffee Party is dedicated to protecting the life, liberty, happiness and property of all members of the union. We’ll get there one cup of coffee at a time. Tea is a fine drink for relaxing after an afternoon of hard work, but it’s a luxury. We don’t need more luxury in America, we need more work. We need more coffee drinking.
Better yet, let’s not skimp on the sophomorics. Instead of the Coffee Party, I’m going to call it the Awesome Party. Even better yet, because Awesome is such a common a modifier it’s painful to use, how about we kick it up a knotch: The Party Awesome. Democratic party, Republican party, Stupid party, or Party Awesome, which are you going to pick? Yeah, I thought so.
You may wonder, why not the MetaPostModern Party? This is the MPMPC, after all. Well, the answer is quite simple – the MPMP is not a political movement, it’s a philosophical movement. It is a special type of philosophical movement, though, you might say, one that rejects the idea that it could be limited into a sphere outside of politics alone. I’d call you a wise-guy and tell you to shut up. Sure, the ideas of the Party Awesome agree in part with the MPMP, like that people should be doing to others what they’d want done to themselves and that the role of human government is to facilitate that as much as possible. As far as ethical concerns go, the Party Awesome is right along the same track. However, the MPMP also believes that ethics, as well as everything else in the physical and metaphysical universe, is completely absurd. It can’t ever decide if it should take anything seriously or not. It doesn’t even take itself seriously. Alternately, it takes itself too seriously. So while the principles of the MPMP may be alright for masochistic philosophers, they aren’t any good for founding a country.