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Apple Patents Fingers, Sues Human Race

August 31, 2012

In a landmark turn of events, tech giant Apple (AAPL) this week successfully patented “Having Fingers.”  The company claims hand-based digits as their intellectual property since fingers are an integral part of their design philosophy.  Upon confirmation of their patent, Apple filed suit against rival tech companies Microsoft (MSFT), Google (GOOG), and the entire human race.

“Apple came up with the way people use fingers in the modern world,” says Apple CEO Tim Cook.  “The touch screen, the keyboard, the flicky thing to open your iPhone – we did all that.  Before Apple, fingers were on the outs.  Now, you can’t operate technology without them.  We reinvented the finger.  There’s no reason we shouldn’t have the rights for that.”

Jonathan Ive, Apple’s senior-most designer, feels similarly.  “Could you post to Instagram using a claw?  Could you type on a MacBook with a wing?  I don’t think so.  It’s all about the finger.  Apple is fingers.”

Google has released a statement calling the suit “childish bullying” and maintaining their support for all users, fingered and fingerless alike.  Microsoft has filed a patent on “Thumbs” and intends to pursue its own litigation if the patent clears.

When reached for comment in light of Apple’s recent victory in a patent lawsuit against Samsung and this new lawsuit, the human race says it only has one finger to give to Apple.  In the interest of propriety, we won’t report on which finger that is.

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